Panelist Biography Gerard and I met at a Junior College in Northern California.  He was a new believer working through his Roman Catholic upbringing and I was a Mormon, believing I was a Christian.  A friendship, my subsequent conversion to Christ, and much theological understanding developed. (I don’t recommend evangelism dating, but this is what God used in my case.)  We were married and later relocated to Southern California in order for Gerard to attend Westminster Theological Seminary. This was our first introduction to home schooling. We “waited” to have children until completion of seminary, only to realize later we were having infertility problems.  Since our first conversations while dating, the prospect of parenting was a high priority for both of us.  The “infertility problem” was huge!  I had to mourn the “death of our dream”—no pregnancy stories, no reflection on family traits, no red-headed children, etc. God truly worked with me during this time.  Fortunately, the bluntness of a doctor stating it was “medically and statistically impossible” for us to conceive, given our conditions, caused us to jump from the infertility treatment track, to the adoption track, early in the process.  However, the adoption track proved to be equally painful.  We were poor, starving students, not exactly what read well on those adoption applications!   I can empathize with the pain and anguish Hannah bore.  There were pregnant women all around me. Teen pregnancies in my neighborhood. When I found out that some of my acquaintances had abortions, the anguish was stifling.  More adoption forms, more rejections.  How unfair this seemed!  Why would God deny me what was good? Years later, when we conducted a neighborhood children’s Bible Study in our garage.  We befriended a needy, young latch-key girl down the street whose home life was in an upheaval.  She practically lived with us. We loved this girl and I truly believed that God would grant her to us when the courts became involved. This never came to pass, but through this relationship we met the birth-mother of our first child.  You see, even before this young girls’ parents repented and came to believe in Christ, they vouched for us that we could love one that was “not our own.”  We were present at Anessa’s birth and she was immediately “our own.”  The joy and appreciation of adoption and Christ’s blessing of adopting us into His family was, and is, extremely real to us. After we had been schooling for several years, our life verse, “you have tithed mint, dill and cumin, but have neglected the weightier matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness” (Matt 23:23) punched us in the nose.  We had slipped into the trap of being critical of others and getting caught up in minor theological/schooling debates.  Life wasn’t going our way.  Gerard was not in ministry and I wasn’t home.  Our pride in our theology, schooling and church involvement was surfacing.  We had the expectation that God would bless us if we did everything right.  Right?  Well, things were very wrong.  How do we resolve this conflict?  How do we reconcile that our goals were being dashed when we served a Holy, Perfect God?” We knew these were good goals, but…. Could it be that God loved us so much to ordain these trials for our good? We knew enough of our Bible to know trials would come, but trials from failure?  It was unexpected, but liberating. God could and would use our disappointments and failures as sinful, humble, broken vessels for His good work.  We realized that our striving, in our own strength, was loosing. We were not concentrating on the “weightier matters of the law!” It was all about His gospel (justice), His sovereignty (faithfulness) and HIS GRACE (mercy)!  Then, finally, there was peace.  God is in control, even of our failures.  Jesus doesn’t promise us an easy life on this side of eternity.  We don’t always get our way.  In hindsight, I am grateful that all of this was revealed to us because what was around the corner in my life would test this and much more! Here is a lengthy excerpt from our Christmas letter of 2004:  Oh what a year!  This time last year we were making a peaceful transition and settling into our new routine with our two newly adopted daughters from Russia ages 8 and 10.  We were playing the “guessing game—do you mean this?” and we were amazed at how quickly the English language was being acquired by these two little girls.  Then on March 17th, just 3 months after the girls came home, our family experienced our own “Tsunami.”  While Gerard was taking his early morning bike ride, an uninsured, unlicensed driver hit him from behind and fled the scene, dragging Ger’s bike almost 2 miles.  (Yes, is the answer to the questions everyone asks:  Gerry was in the bike lane, was wearing his helmet and the driver is now serving 3 years in prison.)  Gerry sustained a traumatic brain injury, which left him in a coma for 3 months.  It left me dazed. I can never begin to understand Gerard’s reality.  However I quickly realized my own dilemma.  When my belief in a good and loving God, and the somber reality in the aftermath of my own tragic disaster collided, I again found myself asking:  What do I really believe?   Do I believe that God, my God and Gerry’s God, the Author and Sustainer of this world allowed this to happen to Gerry?  Could I have eyes to see that God, Who didn’t cause this evil, allowed this tragedy to happen for His own purpose and my good? Subsequently, the “why me” question didn’t seem important… Much like Job, who was I to question our Sovereign God?  This was His plan for our lives!  What a disaster, what a disconnect!  It didn’t make any logical sense.  Why now, with two new daughters? Yet over 2000 years ago, an even more powerful disconnect occurred.  God sent His perfect and holy son into this world.  He was rejected, despised and murdered due to no fault of his own.    God knows the pain of losing His own Son to death on a cross.  He knows and understands my loss and grief.  Jesus himself, while on the cross questioned… but came to the conclusion, “Not my will, but Thine be done!”  How can I come to any other conclusion?  This has been my rock of refuge. In the ER I recall praying for Gerry to die as he teetered on the edge of death.  Not wanting to lose my friend and partner, yet the deep, deep desire for him to “run for home and finish the race safely into Jesus’ arms.”  I confess I was cheering him on as he seemed so close to heaven.  I couldn’t imagine the road ahead should he survive.  The days blurred into weeks. I was told, “TBI”, traumatic brain injury to his right frontal lobe. Even the doctors couldn’t tell me what it meant… perhaps death, a vegetable state forever, paralysis, loss of language, or loss of understanding.  All I knew was that I was not in control, and no one, but God, had answers about the future.  As one of Gerry’s favorite Allison Krause song goes “…..but I know who holds the future, and I know He holds my hand.” I believe in answer to Anessa’s prayers that her daddy would “wake up before her birthday,” Gerry began to emerge from the coma.  I realize now that my, preconceived TV-like, expectation of coming out of a coma, was a myth.  It was a long, slow process… first his foot twitched, days later his eyes opened; he then began tracking with his eyes.  As Christians we believe in a spiritual re-birth, but Gerard has almost encountered another physical re-birth.  He had to learn everything again.  Physically going through similar stages of infancy, toddler-hood, etc.  It was with great joy we rejoiced over every step and progression in his healing, such as recognition of family members, basic memory, walking, eating, feeding himself, and daily care activities. I continue to learn in my crash course in brain injury.  Often brain injury patients can’t take a lot of stimulation, and because of frustration (realizing the loss of what they can no longer do) they “simmer” just below the boiling point… and often erupt in anger. The Gerard before the accident, is not the same Ger as today.  Our marriage vows were “for better or worse.”  Of course, there is mourning over the “death of the old Ger” and an anticipation in learning to love, and committment to love, the new Ger… and yet the real Ger is still in there.  I have always been grateful that Ger’s heart is stayed on God.  The core of his being remains the same.  He prays the most eloquent prayers and enjoys the preaching of God’s Word.  I expect there to be times of better and yet still bumps in the road ahead as we travel our new life together.  I am often saddened by the “quality of life” argument that is out there today.  They tell me 97% of brain injury patients end up in divorce.  How easily we as a society have been fooled into believing our own pleasure is all that matters. The blessings I have seen through this trial are too many to enumerate.  His faithfulness in all the details of the past gives me confidence that He will work out our future. In the past, I have always been the “giver” and it has been difficult to be on the “receiving” end.  The Body of Christ has been a fantastic witness to a watching world.  “They will know the love of God by the love you have for each other.”  I count it a privilege to be a part of this surreal plan.  In those first few weeks I cried out but “I home-school Lord!  Gerry taught the girls for ½ of the day… now what?” In an amazing testimony to God’s provision, the Watkins family stepped in and lovingly engulfed my girls into their family.  My girls resided and schooled with them for a time.  It was such a blessing for them to have a safe, calm, warm-hearted, country environment amidst the storm.  The Watkins family put their own lives on “permanent disrupt” to come to our rescue?  I still marvel at this sacrificial love displayed to me.  Gerard is now home.  His verbal communication is quite good, but he struggles with some word searching, loss of memory, disorientation and brain injury related anger.  He requires supervision 24/7 and is considered permanently disabled.  I was laid off my job as a paralegal.  My friend still lovingly continues to assist us in educating our girls, allowing me to tend to Gerard’s needs.  I am now able to reciprocate by teaching her children as well. Now I take Gerard to a brain injury program in San Diego, as well as conducting daily physical and cognitive therapies.  Not surprisingly, a lot of his therapy is conducted indirectly as he observes or participates in the day-to-day events of our home schooling. He continues to improve. I could never have imagined this turn of events. Life is not as I had planned… but we are finding a rhythm to living.  I am not bitter.  As I look back, I am grateful for the blessings of being where we are.  Many never emerge from the coma!  Gerard is willing and able to participate in school-related functions, field-trips and classes…... and life is good.  I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but for a planner, goal setter-type like me, I am learning to yield and proclaim that…GOD IS GOOD.